Forsaken

Life is tough when your friends forsake you. Life is not fun when your family forsakes you. But when God forsakes you, pure hell is a good description of that feeling.

This last year was difficult. I didn't blog much, and the reason for that was I didn't feel like I had much to contribute. Whenever I sat down to write, I was angry at something, and whenever I'm angry, I write stuff down and then come back to it a couple days later. (Something I learned, that's very beneficial.) And trust me, it wasn't worth sharing.

I wandered around this last year. Doing a little of this, a little of that, and really trying to find myself. Who am I? What are my gifts?

I floated around spiritually. I went to church, I listened to a couple sermons throughout the week, but I did it more out of boredom, willpower, or a sheer sense of wanting to find this little perfect pill that would cure me of all that disgusting sin of mine that was threatening my comfort and happiness. But I didn't want to give up my precious sin.

Well, it was all wrong. I tried to drown myself in entertainment, and it never fulfills. I tried to drown myself in lust, and that never fulfills. I tried to drown myself in exercise, and that will never fulfill. I tried to drown myself in daydreams, and that will never ever, ever fulfill. And then I realized that what I'm missing in my life is the Spirit of God. And I began to cry out for the Spirit to come upon me. I cried that He would make me like Him.

And He answered my prayers.

And now I no longer feel forsaken.

I feel full.

Oh Lord, I believe. Help thou my unbelief. <-- My cry, until I die.